In this post, I give away silly awards to things in Stockholm! Cue the teleprompter and polite applause.
The first category is…
Most Inhabitable Public Bathroom
Winner: The women’s WC on the Intermediate Level of the MOOD Stockholm boutique mall
In terms of public bathrooms that I could live in, this place is indisputably at the top of the list.
I didn’t measure, but I think this bathroom is slightly bigger than our apartment when we lived in San Francisco. And Lord knows, the monthly rent would have to be cheaper.
Each of the stalls is huge. And they have accent walls, which I hear is all the rage these days. So living in this bathroom would obviously be extremely classy. And I mean, stainless steel trashcans, people. That’s how you know you’ve made it big.
Plus, there’s an inexplicable side room, with absolutely nothing in it except a couch. (And Jessica, modeling said couch.) This is where I would sleep. And any time someone came in to pee, I’d pop up from my couch and say hello. I would make all kinds of new bathroom friends this way.
It’s basically perfect, and I would move in tomorrow, except that Michael probably isn’t allowed to live in the women’s bathroom at a shopping mall. (Oh right, and I’m probably not either.)
Most Confusing Food Item
Winner: The Smörgåstårta Sandwich Cake
If you didn’t think the words “sandwich” and “cake” could go together, the Swedes have proved you wrong. This puzzling food is a mixture of crab, cream cheese, butter, mayo, and sour cream slathered in between layers of white bread.
It’s topped off with salmon, a hard boiled egg, a lemon slice, and a sprig of dill. And to make matters even more confusing, this sandwich cake was served on top of a small salad.
So is this a starter, main, and dessert, all in one? Idk. Still confused.
Most Likely To Transport People to Another Dimension
Winner: The underground metro station escalators
The escalators in Stockholm are absurdly long. (In fact, the Västra skogen metro station holds the record for the longest escalator in western Europe.) And while I never found the secret passageway myself, I’m pretty confident these escalators can transport people to alternate dimensions.
How else do you explain all the super serious men in suits?? They are undoubtedly Swedish government spies, sent to consort with the aliens.
And there’s the fact that all of my photos of the escalators came out blurry and grainy. (Spooky!) But we can’t have photographic proof of otherworldly portals or aliens, so there’s probably some sort of weird magnetic field altering pictures taken in the area.
It’s certainly not the fact that I took these photos with my iPhone in low lighting conditions, and that I didn’t even stop walking while snapping away.
The Biggest Boat I Have Ever Seen Inside a Building
Winner: The Vasa, a Swedish warship from the 1600s
The Vasa Museum showcases the only preserved 17th century ship that has ever been salvaged. Approximately 95% of the ship is original, meaning that it’s almost fully intact from it’s heyday in 1628.
But more importantly, it’s the biggest boat that I’ve ever seen inside of a building. Did you notice that smaller boat in front? Yeah, that’s a tiny scale model. And even that is pretty huge.
The Vasa is visible from 6 different floors in the museum, because it’s gigantic. And while all of the history and various archeological findings are interesting, you mostly just wonder how on earth they got this thing inside of a building.
Most Likely To Cause Sensory Overload
Winner: The National Museum of Science and Technology
So many angles, so many lights, and so many reflective surfaces. Walking through this exhibit was like being inside of a disco ball.
Thankfully, there was no Saturday Night Fever playing, because that might have been the final straw.
At one point, I was able to take 22 selfies simultaneously. I don’t know whether to give the museum another separate award for that, or to take away the one that I already gave it.
Most Likely to Win a Game of Freeze Tag
Winner: The Royal Guards of the Swedish Armed Forces
The Royal Guards are a subset of the Swedish Armed Forces that have been protecting the Royal Palace in Stockholm since 1523. They also act as honorary guard to King Carl XVI Gustav.
But what I, personally, gathered from the changing of the guard ceremony is that these guys can stand really, really still.
And although we never actually saw them run, if I had to guess, I would imagine they can also probably run pretty fast. In conjunction with their ability to stand very still, they would totally win a city-wide game of Freeze Tag.
(You might be asking, “Wait. Can you even win Freeze Tag??” The answer is: Whatever. I don’t care. I’m making up awards. Don’t question me.)
Outstanding Achievement in Interrupting My Sleep Cycle
Winner: The freaking sun
During the summer, the sun stays up forever in Scandinavia. When we were in Stockholm, it didn’t really get dark until about 11pm. And then… about 5 hours later, the sun would come up at 4am.
Like idiots, Michael and I didn’t completely close our curtains, and all this extra daylight got my circadian rhythms completely out of whack.
There were some nights where I just didn’t sleep, and many days where I was completely dependent on caffeine to fuel my body. The silver lining is that I got to see a gorgeous sunrise at 4:00 in the morning. (And I took a picture of the clock to prove it.)
Wooo Stockholm! Wooo made up awards! The real prize here is that I’m finished blogging about Stockholm, and will be moving on to Oslo next.